Fostering body autonomy and teaching consent (part 1)
We are finally talking about consent more publicly, but as it’s usually spoken about in relation to sexual acts, this means that our focus when teaching children and adolescents often becomes too narrow. Consent is more than permission around sexual experiences - according to the Oxford dictionary consent is “permission for something to happen or agreement to do something”. This goes beyond sex, and beyond physical acts. While I do agree that adolescents should be taught about consent more formally, by this age these discussions become quite cerebral if an adolescent has not had the experience of their own choices and autonomy being respected (again, not necessarily sexually) and is then a pattern they they will have to work harder not to repeat. In part 1 of this blog post I’ll look very briefly at the role attachment relationships play in the formation of our expectations around body autonomy, as well as some useful areas of opportunity for fostering autonomy and first experiences of consent.
Our first experiences of intimacy and connection take place within our early attachment relationships with our primary caregivers, which over time form our attachment style depending on the texture and quality of these relationships. John Bowlby suggested that these early experiences set up a social map of sorts called an internal working model, that begins to shape an infant’s expectations around the caregivers behaviour and responsiveness. Essentially, what babies most often experience is what they come to expect, and how they perceive the world in terms of safety and responsiveness to their needs. Importantly, this includes how they come to expect the handling of their body by caregivers and later, other people.
Within these early relationships are the building blocks of our first experiences of autonomy and consent, in the way we were handled, spoken to, fed and put to sleep. Although babies can’t grant consent verbally, they do communicate non-verbally, and we can make space for their body autonomy by explaining our next moves, offering warning before we handle them, or before we put them into a bath or change their nappy. For instance, when we go to change a baby’s nappy we might simply say something like ‘I’m going to change your nappy now, it might be a bit cold’. When we communicate with babies it’s important to go slowly, to PAUSE, to make space for them to hear what we are saying and take it in. Another way to respect a baby’s body autonomy is to simply name and label an emotion or experience, for example, ‘you are feeling hungry/cold/tired’ as this cumulative experience builds their capacity to both recognise and regulate these emotional and bodily experiences. When we do this we are sending the message that we see them and we hear their communication, without judgement.
As toddlers begin to engage more verbally, there are an increasing number of opportunities to encourage autonomy. Toddlers can easily become overwhelmed by too many choices, however it is important to offer some manageable options when possible to give them the opportunity to practice this skill, to become confident in their own agency. Snack times are a good time for this, when a toddler is well rested and engaged. You can begin with offering a simple two-choice option such as ‘would you like pear, or apple with your snack?’. It is important to allow self feeding and to follow cues around satiation, as again these are opportunities for toddlers to try out their own agency in the world. When toddlers feel as if the only area in which they have autonomy is what to put into their mouth and swallow, battles of control around this are very likely, and can be a communication that we are needing to allow more autonomy generally. It is useful to offer healthy food options at mealtimes, where adults and children eat together as much as possible, letting toddlers explore and feed themselves, never coercing them to eat or to finish their food (physically, verbally or through the offering of rewards). Make these mealtimes a fun and sociable part of the day, where the focus is not only the food, but the joining of a family to share their experiences and news with each other.
Food and mealtimes are often a particularly emotive area for people as they link to both the caregiver’s and the child’s earliest experiences of being nurtured - even if these have been positive, they will always be different. As parents we are learning alongside our children about their particular tastes, preferences, and habits, and making this time about exploration and sharing rather than feeding can lighten the expectations we have for ourselves and our children . These early experiences of difference, of a child’s body being distinct from their parent’s can be such a valuable and playful opportunity for promoting agency and body autonomy. (While it is extremely common for toddlers who have eaten well previously, to suddenly begin to refuse certain foods, it is important to seek professional advice if you are concerned that your child is not eating, or might have sensory issues around food).
Another area in which we can encourage autonomy is in play, giving children space and time to explore without interference. Stepping back and allowing them to lead with their own their interest in an object or book, and meeting them where they are rather than trying to physically set them up for activities can lead to such wonderful moments of connection and exploration for both us and our child. You can offer choices where appropriate, such as ‘shall we read this one, or this one first?’ but often this is not necessary if you are following their lead. It is useful to warn toddlers about an upcoming transition, for instance ‘soon it will be time to go home/brush your teeth/get into the bath’ especially if these are activities will require us offering physical help.
The language we use for our bodies is such an important part of instilling body awareness and autonomy. Using the correct anatomical language for genitalia, such penis and vulva, or vagina as equips toddlers with language to communicate any experiences they might have and promotes safety around sexual abuse. Telling children that they are in charge of their bodies is part of creating a sense of autonomy, but remember that the experience of having this respected will carry far more weight than anything you might explain to them. Medical appointments and hair cuts are are crucial here, as they are potentially frightening experiences where a stranger touches and might inflict pain on their bodies without a child necessarily understanding why. Try and seek out professionals who are respectful of babies and children, people who take the time to speak to them about what they are doing next, how they will use their instruments/tools, or what they are looking for in the case of medical professionals. You can prepare children for these appointments by telling them a bit about what to expect, and it’s important to check in with your own anxiety around these experiences as children will follow our lead and our emotional responses. Remember that at times when medical intervention is necessary, such as an injection or physical examination, we can’t mediate pain, but we can still be present, explaining, labelling and comforting.
If you have fostered open and healthy communication around bodies, body function and body autonomy, the transition to adolescence is less of a leap and creates a solid starting point for conversations around body changes, masturbation and sex. As with each of these stages, it is so important to check in and engage with what your own experiences were growing up - what is your relationship with your body, with sex and masturbation? What are your beliefs around these topics? Let your adolescent children know that you are an approachable and safe person to speak with, that you won’t shame them, laugh at them, or fly off the handle in anger or anxiety - they will learn this not through these conversations but from prior experiences of being vulnerable with you. Keep communication open and honest, not setting yourself up as all-knowing but rather coming from a stance of curiosity and being ready to admit when you don’t know something, or modelling asking for help. Despite feeling we know our teenagers better than anyone else, be open to the idea that we won’t know everything about them and avoid making assumptions about identity, sexual orientation and sexual activity. Be curious, we won’t always get things right but if we consider our children as whole beings with their own ideas, thoughts and intentions, we can connect with them rather than seeing our role as one of control.
In part 2 of this blog post I will look at some more practical ways to teach consent as children become adolescents.
If you would like to read more about attachment theory, I have written in more detail about this here.